The Grand Wizard from Nardia

Today was an interesting day. I got out of class at 11.30am. I was supposed to meet my land lord for lunch at noon. We planned to discuss my late rent payment this month, and future possible late payments. I was waiting to cross Cybertown Avenue, and It was much busier than normal, so I stood there waiting for the crosswalk to change. I zoned out thinking about the roller derby: Where did I go wrong? How many beers did I drink? The crosswalk changed, and I started to walk. At that point, I realized that there was a 1976 beetle, with American flags painted all over it, roaring up the street and straight towards me, without any intent of stopping. I literally had to dive out out of the way. Thank God my reflexes are still intact. I hit the ground with a loud thump.

I had a pile of dirt swoop up in my eyes and nose; the loud roar of the beetle passing by was still screaming in my ears. I got up and rubbed my eyes and dusted myself off. I continued on my path.

The restaurant was about one block away, and I didn't think anything else could go wrong. Right at that moment, this guy with a styrofoam sword, wearing a hooded robe with a rope belt, came running out of a shrub bush about 30 yards away. He was screaming " I am the GRAND WIZARD from Nardia!" I thought, oh great. When he was about 15 feet from me, he screams " You shall bow before me now!" .. I said "F c K you." I then proceeded to attack him with my version of the Bald Bull charge, and he hit the deck immediately. I didn't have anytime to waste on this guy; my landlord was probably already waiting at the restaurant.

When I arrived at the restaurant, my landlord wanted to know why my clothes were all dirty. I told him it was none of his business and it was time to get down to business. My landlord always tries to act like he has control of the situation. Initiating authority is important in negotiations. We both ordered steak dinners and pints of Sam Adams. After an hour and a half of intense negotiation, I decided to just give him the months rent, under the agreement that I could be 3 days late the next 2 months. When he went to the bathroom, I decided it was a good time to take off.

I was almost back to the school, when I heard another scuffle coming from a nearby shrub bush. The Grand Wizard came out announcing himself, yet again. " I am the Grand Wizard from Nardia! Failure to honor me will result in death from the tip of my sword!" He started to run towards me. He approached quickly, and I jump kicked him like I never jumped kicked anyone before. I have connected some jump kicks in my day, but none like this. I felt like a reincarnation of Bruce Lee. I took his styrfoam sword, broke it in half, and laid it next to him. He looked up at me and said who are you? I said "I'm the ProBaseballAnalyst, Bitch."

I crossed back over Cybertown Avenue, walked across campus, and into the parking garage to find my Dodge Stratus. As I was driving out of the parking garage, I saw the American flag beetle. My neighbor was getting out of the drivers seat. That SOB. When the hell did he get that car? I'm going to get that bastard.

I Just got banned from the Rollar Derby and future Roller Derby events

I arrived 2 hours before festivities started so I could tailgate. I had a cooler full of Sam Adams, and a miniature grill to cook hot dogs. I'm not going to lie, by the time the Derby started I was a little tanked. The Derby started at 1.00pm. As I walked into the arena, the security guard asked me if I had been drinking. I replied " Of Course I have been drinking, its a god damn roller derby." He then told me to keep myself under control, and he didn't want any problems out of me. The derby started right on schedule, and I was loving all the action. I'm not going to lie though, I have no idea how a Roller Derby works, or the rules involved. I just like watching the women beat each other up on the track. There were about 6 viscous hits in the first 4 minutes of action. One of the girls was trailing the pack a little and got upended and her skates flew off. I got up and screamed " YEAH THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT BABY!" About 5 minutes later 2 of the females started fighting. I started to scream " YEAH GET HER!, BEAT HER ASS!!"..

At that point, the security guard approached me and told me to quiet down. I asked the guy what the hell his problem was, and to stop harassing me. He told me that I was being obnoxious and that was in violation of roller derby fan rules. What the hell? Roller Derby FAN RULES? What the hell are those, and where did they come from?

So I decided I had enough. I told that SOB to kiss my ass. I ran down to the roller track; I pushed the first girl I saw down to the ground, and stole her roller skates. I then started to skate ferociously around the track, knocking down every roller bitch that got in my way. By the time I got around the track two times, I cleared out about 96% of the competition.. The only girl left was about the size of an NFL LB, and she looked really mean, but that didn't scare me. As she came around the bend, I decided to go low. I went down and started to go after her knees, but suddenly she jumped up and landed on my back with a fierce elbow blow. I was down, and out of it.

The next thing I remember was being tossed out to the parking lot. They told me I was banned from all future roller derby events. I got into my dodge stratus and drove home

How my neighbor war started

I have been living next to this guy for 10 years. From the first day he moved in, there were problems. While he was backing the moving truck into his driveway, he drove over my mailbox. I greeted him with a big "F**K You" . From that day forward, its been all out war.

Shortly after he ran over my mailbox, Christmas rolled around. Christmas is a time of giving. A time of the year we all should take a step back, and give thanks for everything we have. Whether that would be a small house with 1 bedroom, or just a tent set up in the backyard. Life is a gift, that can never be underestimated.

I've never had any decorations for the holidays. For most of my life, I thought Christmas decorations were unnecessary and senseless. For the first time ever, I decided to give it a try. Let me remind you after my neighbor ran over my mailbox, the first thing he said to me was " Its not that big of a deal". Anyways, my neighbor came home one day with a tree attached to his roof. I watched him struggle to drag it into his house, and I had a glorious idea go through my head. At that point, I decided that his tree, would be my first Christmas tree. He had it completely decorated a day later. I watched him drive out of his driveway, and go to work that morning. I decided to make my move. I smashed his back door window with a brick and opened the latch. I welcomed myself into his house, and to a glass of milk. I walked into the next room, and saw it. The tree was absolutely beautiful.

The Angel was sitting on top of the tree singing to me like it was my guardian angel. I removed it carefully and walked it over to my house. I went back and grabbed the tree, dragged it out the back door, and into my house. I set the tree up in the middle of my living room. I plugged the lights in, and placed the angel on top of the tree. The tree glowed like the moon on the darkest night of the year. It was an unbelievable sight and feeling to finally have a Christmas tree in my home.

About 7 hours later, I saw my neighbor pull into his driveway. Little did he know, karma caught up to him. My doorbell rang 10 minutes later. I answered the door and said " How's it going neighbor".. He replied " Hey, did you see anyone break into my house?" .. I said " Nope" and slammed the door in his face.

An hour later he was standing in my front yard, looking in my window. The tree was glowing at full force, and I could see the anger in his face. He started to come towards my front door. I opened it before he could get there and said " You get the HELL out of here!" .. He replied " That's my tree! I can see my angel! You stole my TREE!" .. I slammed the door in his face.

The next day, he showed up in my driveway, as I was trying to get in my car. He threatened me, then told me that I was going to pay for his window, and he wanted his tree back. I told him he had no proof for any of his asinine claims. I mean, I did steal his tree, but he couldn't prove it, and I knew it. I told him he was just jealous that I had a tree and he didn't. He then tried to throw a punch in my direction. I reacted on instinct, and connected a wicked uppercut to his jaw. He dropped on contact.

Christmas passed, and tensions between the both of us seemed to escalate. This was the beginning.

Now it's 2009..and nothing has changed. Its a war over here.